Its 5:30pm.
I just had a real good dose of crying and apparently it still isn’t stopping. I even had to rush out of the room and keep myself busy so as to keep the tears from falling—- dramatic as it may seem. I don’t really know how and when this started but I have a feeling that jeepney ride had something to do with it.
You see, I was seated between two old ladies who were the same age as my Lola—- if only she were here today. I had Timbaland and Katy Perry belting at the top of their lungs through my earphones and all I could think about was my grandmother and her too sweet of a smell that was and is still unmistakably, “Sweet Honesty”. It was all I could do from crying right then and there. All of a sudden, flashbacks became a fad in my tired brain. I remembered her smile, the way her laugh lines would show when her lips tilt upwards. The weird sounds she’d make when she’s trying her best to surprise or scare me—-and eventually failing miserably at it. The little trinkets she’d buy for me whenever she takes a visit to her doctor—-all those chocnuts she really loves, and candies that never seem to be gone from the insides of her pockets. God, I even remembered her vanity of vanities; the way she’d walk around the house showing off her new curls, or the quiet knocking on my parents’ room and then announcing quite funnily to my mom “Ging! Wala nako’y Eskinol!” or “Wala nako’y sabon!” which clearly meant Mama has to buy her new ones pronto!
It was a relief when I got off the jeep and I was distracted by thinking about my grades and the grades I’d be getting for a friend. For about 3 hours, I completely or forcefully tried rather to shove the reminiscing at the very back of my mind. I was successful. For quite some time that is. It was actually a bit easy. All it took was the summerheat, a trip to the dean’s office, a talk on Shiela’s small dilemmas, books by Arbie and Nee.chan, some teasing (and a bit of insulting) session with Thirdy, repeated trips to the Biology department and finding out that my grades qualified for being a DL. Yep. Very easy indeed.
12 noon.
I had to separate from everybody because I had promised that I would be going to church for I hadn’t yesterday. The mass was celebrated in English so I didn’t really have much of a problem in digesting it. However, after I’d received communion, through a pretty little girl’s eyes, I remembered Lola again. It was painful. I never knew missing could be that painful. Especially when you know you won’t ever be seeing that smile, the laugh lines and that perfect silver mane again. It was embarrassing. Before I knew it, something hot and liquid stung my eyes and I had to look away at the innocent little girl’s onyx pools. It was about the same time people were filling out of the church and all I could do was surround myself in that sea of unknown faces to calm myself. It was rewarding. The brisk walking did well too.
But then again, it didn’t stop the onset of another bout of flashbacks. I swear I could taste that ‘adobo’ with a distinct taste that only she could make and one that my brother had been trying to perfect but to no avail. It didn’t help that I passed by the Avon office where her perfume “Sweet Honesty” could be bought.
Anyway, I followed Shiela and Arbie to Mcdo where they were having their lunch and somehow, we started talking about many things—grandmothers included. It was really good talking to them about my Lola even though it had to be masked with smiles and laughter. Still, it was fun and somehow, the sadness and maybe pain was ebbed away with the smiles. When I look back at it now, the laughs didn’t seem that forced after all. Somehow, the mindless, endless conversation we all three had, had eased the heavy burden that was at the tip of my lashes. It was just simply amazing how friends could do that.
After that, I went home leaving the both of them alone for shoe-shopping. I had to go home, I had two very good books with me and nothing could ever best distract me but a good reading material and in this case two of them which is just all the more better. Out of the two, I picked the one entitled “Go Ask Alice” because it was thinner and I was supposed to hand it out to Arbie on Wednesday. Anyway, I finished it in one sitting but I suppose I’m going to have to save the review for another post. I went outside my room (I did my reading there) to check if the internet connection was back up again and found myself completely alone in the house. My brothers usually find it more charming to stray in the basketball courts than stay cooped up in our little house. So, moving on, I went back up again without turning the computer on (I suddenly got tired and fed up) and just before reaching and turning in the knob to my room, I started bawling out! Seriously. I just slumped on the floor and cried. I cried. And cried some more. I was missing my Lola, and I was missing Elai, Norielle, Yang, Tisha and Pia. Hell, I’d even go out of my way to say I missed Mikee too! And terribly so. Feeling a bit self-conscious minutes later, I went inside my room and then started crying again. Thinking about it now, it seemed kind of funny. Well, at least to me. I even had a pillow cover my face and I started sobbing. It was comforting though. Actually, crying always do that to people, right? But no, I’m more like talking about the sobbing part of crying. I don’t know. Maybe, it’s because I’ve been crying quietly for a very long time now that I forgot how it is to sob. LOL.
So yeah. And that is how I got here facing the computer typing away while busily trying to stop the onset of tears. Again.
It’s tiring trying to remember everything. And even more when trying to forget. God, I need sleep and lots of it. Goodbye internet for the time being.
~sai
