should i change my life or miss my flight?

well i guess, i already did. i had missed my flight and there’s no way i could run to catch it again. it’s never coming back, no refunds, no rescheduling. it was a one time affair and i missed it. wretchedly missed it.

i want get out of the city without offering anybody of my whereabouts. without having to explain the why’s, without having to change my plans just so i could accommodate everyone else’s and in the process, pleasing myself as well as the other people around me. but at the same time , thereby fettering myself to a bout of delusions that, yes, i am needed; that yes, somebody wanted me as company.

i am tired of pretensions that get the better of me, and by so doing, i am not even sure what for, to whom and as to why pretending has now become a necessity for me. i want this life, more so my actions to make sense, because i, for that matter, don’t make any sense even to myself anymore.

i want to break free. to take flight and take my own sweet time to feel free again. i’ve been a prisoner of my own inhibitions, delusions and pretensions for far too long that i don’t know which part of myself has already become an inhibition, a delusion and worse a pretension in itself.

i want to breathe in air again, without having to breathe in, at the same time, what my next course of action should be. i want to be free and yet imprisoned, at the same time, by this sense of freedom. a freedom close-linked to selfishness; and that i am very well aware of. nevertheless, i want this selfishness to get the better of me. to engulf my senses and numb me for all its worth and by so doing allowing me to get over it sooner than later.

i want to get it back.

i want to be in control and yet feel helpless at the same time. what i want is to be seen and not just merely looked at. i don’t want to be listened to, i want to be heard. i want to speak without talking, scream without shouting and cry without tearing up. i want to laugh without having to feel empty afterward.

i am tired. and i want to know when this weariness will end.

~sai :(